


pictures in my head, of all the promises you made

by cosmic97



Category: ATEEZ (Band)
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Canon Compliant, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Gen, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Retrospective, Self Confidence Issues, Unhealthy Relationships, Unreliable Narrator, kang yeosang centric, yeo has an unhealthy relationship with his self worth, yunsang are a thing but not the main focus
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-01-30
Updated: 2020-04-12
Packaged: 2021-02-27 05:33:54
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,001
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22431916
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cosmic97/pseuds/cosmic97
Summary: for years yeosang has had wooyoung by his side, but the moment he's gone, he crumbles. who is he without the only person who has ever made him feel worthy?or the fic where yeosang grows up and learns that sometimes the only way to flourish is to let someone go.
Relationships: Jeong Yunho/Kang Yeosang
Comments: 12
Kudos: 50





	1. i. fall

**Author's Note:**

  * Inspired by [Team (friends, family)](https://archiveofourown.org/works/22214965) by Anonymous. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hello. this fic is a bit of a mess but it's based off the live where yeosang talked about how it hurt to see wooyoung and san become so close. a big disclaimer: i didn't watch the full thing because san looked really uncomfortable imo and i personally think that's something that should've been mentioned in passing but not actually talked about. that's just me though. in no way or shape or form am i trying to say this is what occured, it's just my interpretation from yeosang's point of view. yeosang and i are a lot of like so it kind of became a blend of my own thoughts / feelings as well. it's all an attempt at being poetic and i hope y'all enjoy ~

* * *

a glass shattering.

it's endless, it goes everywhere and it's not silent but it's not loud. it falls, it breaks, it shatters, it's over within seconds, faster than someone can say sorry.

for those few painful seconds the world stops before it starts again and all that remains is fragments of something that was once whole.

mingi once joked back in their trainee days -- when yeosang was _too_ quiet and _too_ shy, even for his liking -- that yeosang was a glass cup.

quiet, never changing, resilient until pushed over the edge.

he had laughed it off with everyone else -- _trust him to be compared to an inanimate object._

it's not until they're hundreds of miles away from home that it becomes painfully clear that he was right.

they're in america, on stage taking a break from performing and _god,_ yeosang should be elevated, he should feel nothing but bliss because hello, this all he's ever dreamed about and more!

instead his body stills, his heart clenches and the glass resolve titters on the fine edge as he watches the scene in front of him.

san cheers, "that's my best friend!" while staring at wooyoung like he put the stars in the sky.

and wooyoung?

he laughs that squeaky laugh that use to drive yeosang mad and nods his head in agreement, a giant smile on his face as he looks at san like no one else but him exists.

_bam!_

yeosang shatters, his heart breaking into a million glittering fragments, and the one person who has always picked up the pieces, who has always put him back together, is too busy with his arms wrapped around somebody else.

in seconds, he becomes pieces of what he once was.

and jung wooyoung is to blame.

* * *

yeosang has always been shy. 

his mother always said it was endearing, it was the one trait that made him different, that made him stand out. 

_"he's polite and quiet and there's nothing wrong with that!"_ she used to say, defending him from teachers and relatives who thought there was something wrong with his shy demeanor.

unfortunately many people thought otherwise.

especially other kids.

he was never bullied, no one ever went that far but they whispered amongst each other and there was a clear distinction between them and _him._

they were nice almost pitying, and gave him a small smile whenever he managed to speak up.

they were never outright mean but the way they treated him made him feel like there was something wrong with him. 

he used to think it was his birthmark, it was gross and weird, he hated it but the longer it went on, he knew it was otherwise.

he remained painfully shy and awkward as everyone else flourished and could only stare in jealousy as the other kids paired off.

_one day,_ he would think firmly, _one day i'll have a best friend and then everyone will see._

a best friend.

that's all he had ever wanted.

he used to pray to whatever deity was listening up above for someone who would stick up for him, who would be there for him and who would never cast judgment because he was quiet and shy. 

the days passed and he remained friendless but he never gave up.

_one day._  
  


* * *

  
  


jung wooyoung was everything he was not.

he was social, he could make friends with _anyone_ and _everyone_ and he was genuinely well liked. he was never afraid to speak up and make sure he was heard, to make his opinion matter. 

he could charm a room, could dance up a storm and every trainee wanted to be his friend.

which is why yeosang only stared in shock as wooyoung plopped next to him and declared themselves _best friends._

"m-me?"

"you're the only one here." fifteen year old wooyoung said. he was teasing but it was kind, so different to how others treated him.

"you want us to be friends --"

"-- best friends!"

" but why?"

wooyoung frowned at him, "you say that like you're not worth being friends with."

"I'm awkward and quiet! i struggle to talk to people and let people walk all over me and i can't dance to save my life. i'm nothing like you." he fumbled, his hands making gestures to get the point across.

why would someone as wonderful as wooyoung want to be friends with _him!_ it didn't make sense, that's not how things went.

wooyoung rolled his eyes, "if i wanted to be friends with someone like myself than I would, but I'm not, I'm here wanting to be friends with you and nothing can change that. I can talk enough for both of us."

it was life changing.

_i'm here wanting to be friends with you!_

he had chosen yeosang. _no one_ had ever chosen him.

words couldn't describe the happiness that flowed through him. someone had chosen him, someone as wonderful and kind as wooyoung, had chosen him even if he was awkward and weird and shy.

"okay." he said and held his pinky up, "but you have to pinky promise and you can't go back on your word okay?"

wooyoung's smile could have lit up the world as raised a pinky up. yeosang felt the air leave his chest. he was dazed, infatuated with how bright wooyoung shined.

"promise."

  
  


* * *

  
  


and maybe that's why it had hurt so much.

because for his entire life, yeosang had been ignored, had been ostracized because he reacted differently and acted against the social norm. he was anxious and quiet and liked drones more than girls.

he was _off._

but then, a beautiful shining light picked him. a star had chosen him, had made him feel special. 

even as he did his best to prove that he wasn't worth the effort, that anyone else would be better than him, that he was holding him back, wooyoung had persisted.

when yeosang left bighit, knowing it was a dead end and that a new start was scary but necessary, wooyoung who was so well liked and had a better chance at debuting, had followed without complaint.

"we're in this together, remember?"

_where did that go? what changed?_

he wanted to scream but he stayed quiet -- that's all he was good for.

he watched for weeks as wooyoung clung to san, as they talked amongst each other and made jokes only they understood. they were inseparable, they were one and the same and they were _best friends._

yeosang wanted to be jealous, wanted to stomp his feet like a child and demand wooyoung's attention but he relented.

san understood wooyoung in a way that yeosang tried to but always felt short, he made him laugh in a way yeosang never could.

he was _perfect_ for wooyoung.

it hurt, it shattered him but he smiled.

in the end, yeosang would break and bleed a hundred times over if that meant wooyoung was happy.

beautiful, kind wooyoung who had always deserved so much more than he got, who deserved a much better best friend than yeosang ever was.

"you okay?" 

yeosang gave his hyung a small smile, never taking his eyes off the two people clinging to each other.

"just fine."

_promises are meant to be broken and you are a fool kang yeosang._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> and scene.  
> in the beginning, i stated this fic was based off the vlive which is true but also not. it's about yeosang's feelings towards the situation and it will go into how seonghwa and hongjoong helped all of them work through it, but it's also so much more than that. like i said, i relate to yeosang because we kind of just act very similar and share similar povs so im guilty of adding my own thoughts on how i would react.  
> i really wanted this fic to dive into how insecure yeosang is, how he unworthy he feels and how he put too much of his worth and such onto wooyoung and how he deals when that crumbles. i wanted to write how he would let go and flourish on his own, giving him independence after being so dependent on someone else for his own value. i wanted the reader to relate but also hopefully make them realize that their value isn't related to any one person and they can and will do well on their own.  
> so in the end, it's just a retrospective, almost coming of age story?  
> you'll see! also i don't mean to villanize woosan. all the reader sees is from yeosang and he's a really unreliable narrator so keep that in mind.  
> also the hyung at the end was seonghwa!
> 
> i hope you liked chapter one, i hope to see you soon and please let me know your thoughts in the comments!


	2. ii. rise

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> from the ashes, he rises, and learns to love himself above anyone else.

* * *

he doesn't plan to let anyone know how he feels. it's not a big deal -- _it is, it really is and he can feel himself break more every day_ \-- and he figures it's just a part of life.

friends drift apart all the time, right?

_right?_

he underestimates the strength of his feelings even as they choke him every day and leave him feeling worthless.

it's just a simple question but it sparks the start of something else.

"do you know where wooyoung is?"

he blinks, thoughts interrupted, "what?"

yunho gives him a look that he associates as his _this is yeosang being yeosang_ look before he asks again.

"i asked if you knew where wooyoung was."

"why would I know where he is?"

yunho's looks at him as if he's dumb which is quite insulting, he's the smartest of their little subunit, thank you very much, before speaking again, "uh because he's your bestie, your best friend of five years, your soul-"

the only warning his body gives is a shallow breath before he bursts into tears, cutting yunho off. 

he covers his face with his hand, apologizing profusely as his body shakes with sobs.

_your bestie, your best friend, your_ **_soulmate._ **

is that what they had once been?

god it hurt so fucking much. _why, why did it all change? wooyoung why? why did you lie?_

"hey, hey, it's okay, I'm sorry, did i say something wrong?" yunho soothes like the friendly giant he is as he wraps yeosang into a much needed hug.

it's much too easy for yeosang to spill the beans. something about yunho is warm and comforting and maybe when he's not in an existential crisis he'll really think about those feelings and what they really mean.

"i'm not his best friend anymore and it hurts so much. i can't remember the last time we properly talked. There's so much distance between us that it seems like we're both in different stages in life and i can't seem to catch up with him. I love him and I want him to be happy that's why I haven't said anything but it hurts." he stutters out, trying to calm himself down.

yunho pulls him closer, running his fingers through his hair. yeosang feels his cries quiet down as he relaxes under yunho's touch.

he's always known exactly how to get yeosang to calm down.

"i'm sure that's not the case sangie, you should talk to him."

yeosang shakes his head, "i can't do that. he's happy and if i do this he'll deny it and feel bad and i just, i just want him to be happy even if i can't be the reason for his happiness."

he shakes a little as the tears stream down his face again but he continues, "he doesn't come to me anymore, he doesn't tell me about his day, he doesn't hold my hand because he knows i get anxious and it fucking hurts. i pretend it's okay but it's not but i won't say a word because he's so happy. he's so happy with san, he glows and it's beautiful. i would suffer a million times over if it meant he was happy so i will."

he crumbles, his heart finally shattering completely and yunho does his best to stop the inevitable. 

he holds him like he's fragile, like he hasn't been pushed off the edge, like he's not an illusion of the person he once was. 

"it'll be okay yeosangie, i promise."

  
  


_don't make promises you can't keep._

* * *

after that night, yunho becomes his only confidant, not by choice but by necessity.

he holds yeosang's hands when they start to shake, pulls him away when he hears the high pitched laughter, distracts him when he starts to stare for too long.

he tries to glue the pieces back together, to fix the puzzle he has burdened himself with, unknowing that the final piece will never be found.

yeosang gave the last piece to wooyoung years ago.

fifteen year old him was trusting, foolish and naive. he believed in forever, was loyal to the bone and never hesitated to think that one day wooyoung would not be there, that there would be a day when distance was all they knew.

that one day wooyoung wouldn't spare a glance at him, too enthralled by someone who wasn't him.

because that was it wasn't it?

yeosang was icarus, tempted to reach the warmth, the brightness that had surrounded him and promised him comfort. he had flown too far and burned too bright, hurt by the one person who had always been consistent in his life, that had promised him a lifetime but cut his wings too soon.

for the last five years, wooyoung had been yeosang's everything, his past, his present, his future.

but he had been wooyoung's yesterday and san was his today.

and it was time for him to find his tomorrow.

"sannie look at this!"

he turns away from the voice, remembering a time when wooyoung called for him, when he couldn't wait to show yeosang the latest cat meme because _you love cats yeosangie, i swear you're just like them!_

it was time to let go.

he was more than wooyoung's best friend and it was time to prove that.

* * *

  
  


"--seven, eight, then bam!"

yeosang nailed the dance move and blushed when the dance instructor let out a cheer.

"you've improved so much yeosang, i'm seriously considering telling kq to make you the center for more dances." he says with an impressed look on his face.

he bows, a little too flustered too say anything else. 

it's true he's been putting more hours into his singing and dancing. he's gotten compliments from all their instructors and it felt good. he hopes that maybe kq will see his potential and give him more lines and screen time.

"alright we're done. go home and rest okay? we don't want you getting sick by staying back to practice."

"will do. thank you again for staying behind to practice with me."

the two bid their goodbyes and yeosang soon finds himself at the convenience store looking for some comfort food. 

he probably shouldn't be eating it because idol diets but fuck it, he's been working his ass off and getting over emotional turmoil. _he deserves this._

he looks around, always eager to try a new snack when he spots yunho's favorite snack, _chip potato._

he smiles, grabbing a bag and trying to ignore the butterflies that erupt in his tummy. 

he ends up buying some random chocolate desserts and chip potato for yunho. he politely says goodbye to the girl at the register as he takes out his phone and snaps a picture. 

  
  
  
  


**hehet:**

look what i have ;P

**puppy:**

:0000000

CHIP POTATO!!!! 

My favorite!!!

yeosangie you're the best ily

  
  


**hehet:**

uwu

ily2

  
  
  
  


he giggles, cheeks flushed and smile wide. for the first time in a while, he feels content.

he's been improving, putting the time and work to make sure his vocals and dancing were up to par. he's be doodling more, using his drone and reading again. he's started rereading _the subtle art of not giving a fuck_ and wow, the wonders not giving a fuck can do.

life is good and he's his own person once again.

_for the first time in almost five years, he didn't pick up a bag of honey chips but his chest is so much lighter._

all is well.

* * *

  
  


"yeosangie."

he startles, almost dropping his phone and man wouldn't that be embarrassing -- he drops his phone right as he was internally yelling over how cute yunho looked in the selfie he just sent him.

"hmmm." is all he responds with.

it's been a long time since wooyoung has made the effort to come talk to him but he appreciates it nonetheless.

he's not necessarily sad or angry about what happened anymore, it's become bittersweet for him instead. 

the yeosang of a few weeks ago would've jumped at the chance, ready to be petty and make remarks that he knows would hurt. he would be willing to do whatever it takes to make wooyoung feel the pain he felt.

he's grown from then. 

he treasures the memories he has with wooyoung, he treasures the fact that he had a best friend, that his childhood wish came true.

somewhere along the lines wooyoung got off on a different stop, found another train to ride and yeosang had to come to terms with that fact.

he had to process the fact that he had idolized, had held wooyoung to such a high standard that it was almost destined for tragedy. wooyoung had promised to be his best friend but he hadn't promised to be yeosang's _everything._

not in the way yeosang had made him to be.

yeosang was just as much a star as wooyoung and he didn't have to orbit around anyone else. he was his own sun, his own light and he didn't need anyone to make him feel special.

he had also seen what wooyoung was blind to, but then again he was always oblivious to what was in front of him.

wooyoung was in _love_ with san.

he loves him in a way that he will never love yeosang and that's _okay_ _._ it took a while for him to realize that he could never be what san was to wooyoung because it was different. they existed on two different spectrums and it didn't mean yeosang was less than.

it still hurt to know that he had been pushed aside so easily by someone who had promised to be there for him but he understood that maybe it hadn't been malicious, maybe it just happened and that was life.

"let's hang out! sannie is busy and i want to cuddle." 

_so that's why._

it shouldn't anger him. for months all he wanted was this -- wooyoung wanting to spend time with him, to be in his presence again. 

but… 

_sannie is busy_

why did he feel like a second option? why did it feel like wooyoung didn't value him enough to think of him first?

he was worth more than that. he deserved more than that. he was _no one's_ second choice.

he loved and respected himself more than that.

he straightens up, "sorry i already have plans made but i'm sure mingi would be more than happy to give you cuddles. maybe next time."

he smiles before getting up and putting a beanie on. he gingerly pats wooyoung's shoulder as he passes by.

he doesn't have plans but he'll find something. he always does.

he's kang yeosang, a little awkward, a little odd, but special nonetheless and he didn't need fixing. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> im: sorry.  
> i honestly meant to update but i got caught up with school and then covid happened and well, it made ya boy depressed 🥴🥴  
> i hope you enjoyed the chapter nonetheless! I have a couple of notes so feel free to skip it if you'd like since i ramble:  
> \- this chapter was meant to heavily focus on yeosang's growth & his realization that his worth was determined by him and one else. i wanted yeosang to go through this struggle of believing he was only relevant when it came to wooyoung and then being like no, im my own brilliant person who is an amazing singer and dancer and i can stand for myself, by myself. i especially wanted him to grow from someone who wouldve been petty and mean to someone who was more understanding.  
> \- I also wanted to explore a very flawed human trait that I know I struggle with. it's the idolization of someone who is very much human and should not be idolized. theres some heavy projection here but I tend to idolize the people who care about me / show me kindness bc I grew up in an abusive household. that's not the case with yeosang but he grew up ostracized so when wooyoung was kind and open about how much he cared for yeosang, yeosang began to idolize woo and put him on a pedestal. wooyoung's actions are not malicious but because yeosang put him on this pedestal, because he idolized wooyoung, when wooyoung was 'less loving' then yeosang wanted, he felt betrayed. he felt his entire world fall apart and I wanted yeosang to stop and reflect on that because it wasn't wooyoung's fault that he held him to such a high standard that was meant to fail. I wanted yeosang to have a healthier relationship with wooyoung when they finally make up (in chp 3) so that was one step of getting there.  
> \- I'm tagging the relationship now because it has been explored some more in this chapter and yunsang are endgame. I was hesitant to tag it before this chapter because I didnt want to give the impression that yunho "fixed" yeosang. my biggest pet peeve in media is when the love interest immediately swoops in and fixes the protagonist and makes everything okay. it's not realistic in my opinion. someone can help you feel better and give you advice that encourage your self worth but ultimately it's up to you to do better and be better. that's why yunho failed at "gluing all the pieces back together." it wasn't yunho's puzzle to fix, it was yeosang's before he realized there was no fixing, hes a human being with flaws not an object to be made into what appeases others. yunho helps him by being there for him and pulling him away so he doesn't fall into self destructive tendencies but it yeosang that puts in the effort to improve and have a better relationship with how he views himself. so yeah, yunsang are endgame and will be be shown more in the next chapter but they are not the main focus.  
> \- honey chips are woo's fave snack btw! that's why they're mentioned.
> 
> I hope you guys liked the chapter, I love comments so 🤲🤲 akskks jk. have a nice day / night everyone and pls stay safe during these times!


End file.
